An Open Letter to Tommy Tuberville

Coach,

I have now had a couple of days to digest our performance against Vanderbilt (i.e., calm down). There are a few issues I'd like to address:

1. Spencer Pybus. I'm sure Spencer is going to be a fine player one day, but he was a 1-star recruit who chose Auburn over Duke. Should he really be on the field as a true freshman? I don't think so. Yes, Spencer is very fast, and probably very athletic, but Spencer has a problem with play-action and misdirection. You see, Coach, Spencer wants to get the quarterback so badly that he bought every single play action fake Vandy ran Saturday. Spencer, as the man assigned to protect against the bootleg, would run himself right out of the play . . . over and over and over again. I hope you saw this, too, when watching the game film on Sunday. Coach, if Spencer is the best we can do right now, we might need to hit the recruiting trail a little harder for linebackers.

2. Rotating the Quarterbacks. I had no idea that the "Tony Franklin System" came with the tools to shatter the confidence of not one but two quarterbacks on the football team. Sure, teams have rotated their quarterbacks successfully in the past. But here's why it's not working for you: (a) Kodi Burns doesn't make an appearance until the 2nd half, when the ship is already taking on water. No pressure, Kodi, but we're sinking fast, so head on out there, and "good luck." By the way, if you screw up, you're right back out of the game in favor of Christie Todd. Coach, why not let Burns have a series in the first half, when the pressure is off, and which allows him to throw a curve at a Vandy defense that's already behind 13-0; (b) Why not use Kodi Burns in the redzone? See, we used to have this guy, Dameyune Craig, and he'd come in for Pat Nix in the redzone, and it worked. Imagine that. No one on this planet (or any other planet) thinks Chris Todd is going to keep the ball and run during the zone-read play. No one. Not even Vanderbilt. You should never ever ever ever run that play when Chris Todd is in the game. And because that play is a staple of the spread offense, well, you're starting to get my drift here.

3. I thought you had to "marry" the spread. I seem to remember someone saying something about marrying the spread; that if you convert to the spread offense, then you have to convert completely and take the good with the bad, until your players are comfortable with the system. Oh, yeah, that was ESPN's Chris Spielman. Guess what, I think he's on the money with this one. He said that you can't "date" the spread. I'm not even sure we're dating anymore. The spread is calling, but you're just letting it go to voicemail, Coach. What gives? You can't have it both ways. Either run the old offense, or run the spread offense. You're doing a disservice to the players and fans by trying to have it both ways. To quote the venerable Sean Connery: "you're playing both sides!" Asking Tony Franklin to implement and play-call a power offense is like asking a NASCAR driver to become a jockey at the Kentucky Derby - sure, it's a race and the goal is to finish first, but he has no idea how to get it done. I think you liked the uptick in recruiting that converting to the spread has brought, but I don't think you like the spread offense . . . at all. I think you hate it. I can see how much disdain you have for it by your expression on the sideline. It's killing you. Those Miami teams didn't run a fad offense during the 80s. You didn't need gimmicks when you won at Ole Miss with Stewart Patridge as your quarterback. Here's the problem, though: you change coordinators too much. If you axe Franklin, how many top coordinators are going to lineup to become your next fire (I mean hire)?

4. Wes Byrum. Coach, he's not right in the head anymore. Mister Clutch now misses chip-shot field goals and extra points. Honestly, you could randomly pick 12 drunk fratboys from the student section, and 11 of them would successfully kick an extra point (and that's with deck shoes on their feet).

5. Penalties. This might be the single most frustrating thing for Auburn fans. I think there were 10 penalties in the 3rd quarter alone. Coach, we can take a sucky offense (see 1998). We can take losing (see Barfield, Doug). But one thing Auburn fans can't handle is an undisciplined team that commits the same stupid mistakes over and over again. I would probably buy your argument on the holding penalties - I know what you're going to say: Chris Todd is (a) a statue, and (b) the football is his "precious" that he doesn't want to get rid of. Ok, holding is going to happen when that guy is in the game. But the false starts, that's another story. There is no way the spread offense is more vulnerable to false starts. Auburn never had this problem in the old offense. What gives? This is a discipline problem, and that falls to the offensive coordinator.

6. On a positive note. Coach, I don't want to be all Debbie-downer, so I would like to commend you on a couple things. First, the white shoes. Thanks for bringing those back. I like the white shoes, especially with the white uniforms. It was kinda neat to see #12 Jeff Burger back under center for the Tigers. I also want to give a shout-out to Ben Tate. Coach, Ben played his ass off, again. He's the only guy pulling his weight this year on offense. I hope he has the immunity idol when it's time for tribal council at this week's offensive meetings.

Well, that's all for now, Coach Tuberville. Good luck against Arkansas.